Submission. It's way harder than I thought it would be.
Oh, I knew it would be difficult, don't get me wrong. I thought about the fact that I would have to curb my temper and my habit of lashing out when my feelings were hurt. I got that I would be accountable for my spending habits (and my reading addiction)....and how tough it would be to reign myself in. I figured that it wouldn't be easy for me to hand the final decisions over to my husband when I was so used to having the final say all the time.
What I didn't see....what I didn't expect....was how difficult it would be to submit when I am not sure I'm going to get something out of DD. I sound like my 12-year old son calling "no fair!" You see, on those days or in those moments when I feel like DD (or us doing DD) is being ignored or that I'm never going to see the HoH I need, I get flippant. I get....pissy, even if it's deep inside myself. When I feel there has been a rule broken I eventually let him know. I don't always say something right away because I'm waiting to see if he calls me on it. Not that I'm doing things to purposely be in trouble. But I usually realize when I've done something against the rules within 24 hours of the transgression. I guess I'm waiting to see if he cares about this thing we're doing. If he's going to be able to come out of this shell he's in.
Yesterday I realized that it's that time - when I'm feeling like I'm banging my head on a wall - that is when I need to really show give my submission to TBG. That time when it's hardest. When I am unsure and thinking "it's not fair!" So, instead of ignoring some of my rules I need to work hard at following them. How am I being submissive when I'm deciding what rules to follow and when? I know that I'm supposed to have consequences but what if I don't? What if they're not being enforced? Instead of just doing what I want, I guess that's the time I need to really buckle down and work hard at finding my submissive side. I don't know if that's going to ever get TBG to really get involved in this. I don't know if he'll ever actually fully step up into the HoH role or if I'm just spinning my wheels, going nowhere. It hurts, that thought. It hurts to think that I could do this and never get anything out of it, other than a husband who just "expects" my submission and doesn't do his part of the equation. The part that I need.
I'm starting to really realize that this isn't just about me. It's also about him and his needs. It's about us. And I can't tell him that I want to do DD to make us better when I refuse to give him all of myself, even when it's hard to do it. I can't pick and choose what I want to do just because I'm not sure of what the outcome will be. I have to give him everything. And that's scary because I've never given anybody all of me, especially the soft side I try to keep hidden so I don't get hurt. But I'm going to have to be brave and do this, hoping that TBG will see that I'm trying and that he will want to try in turn. It's going to be hard. Excruciating at times, I think.
Time to cowgirl up. I'm trying to make my marriage better, stronger, more loving & intimate. There's nothing more important than that.
One of my favorite bloggers, Quiet Sara, had a blog a while back about how other women treated / talked about their husbands. It was all I could think about today as I was eating lunch at work. Some of the ladies were just tearing their husbands apart. These poor guys apparently can't do anything right!
I was never really one to say bad stuff about The Big Guy, but I know there were times when I was in a bad mood that I may have said a disparaging remark or two. Nowadays, with submission on my mind and trying to keep my heart where it should be, I try to only say positive things. Everyone knows that I adore TBG. I don't get into the "smash fest" with the other girls. Except today.
Today I couldn't take it anymore. The girls were so snotty about their hubbies. "He doesn't do this...he doesn't do that." Blah, blah, blah. I sat there thinking, was this me? Did I ever treat my husband like this to the other ladies? It was almost a shock. And, quite frankly, it really pissed me off. I finally just said "you know, have you guys done anything for your hubbies lately?" You would have thought I grew a huge second nose on my face, the way they looked at me. And then came the comments: "are you kidding me?", "I do everything and that man does nothing.", "oh and I'm sure your husband is perfect!" Well, no, TBG is not perfect. But, he's pretty damn perfect for me. My response was a simple "my grandpa always said you catch more flies with honey and I've found the nicer I am to my hubby, the more he does for me. Maybe if you guys talked about what you needed from each other it would help." Again, with the looking at me like I had a growth on my face.
And at the same time, inside of me, I thought who are you and what have you done with the old Maggie? It was a small revelation and a wonderful feeling of contentment filled me, knowing that I'm trying to make my marriage better and most importantly, making TBG feel happy, respected, and loved. Because when we are like this he does even more for me than I ask sometimes. He makes me feel safe, secure, and loved. I guess Grandpa was right.
Back when The Big Guy started night school we determined I would take over a lot of things in the household so that he could focus on getting through school. One of those things included finances. It was going to be tough, we knew, because he would be working less hours and bringing home less money. I, unfortunately, have never been good at finances even before I met TBG. But I would try my best! And I did, for a while, but I was never great at paying stuff on time. Other things always just came up it seemed. Things slowly started to slide....and when the poop hit the fan was right when we had our troubles two years ago. As I've said before, we got it straightened out (thankfully) but the paying of the bills was still lacking at times.
This last year has been horrible with finances. In order to position himself to get a better job after graduation - plus to help him in his chosen field in general - TBG took a job paying WAY less money than we were used to. At first we were doing ok. But by the end of the year (especially after Christmas) we were just about broke. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, if you will. The income just didn't match what the output should be. Now that he has his new job there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish the tunnel were a little shorter!! But, in the meantime we are struggling mightily to make our payments. I usually pay who shouts the most. Well, the gas bill never shouted. And I forgot to pay it. I'm sure you can see where this is going....and boy, was TBG mad at me!! Rightfully so, as I'm the one who is supposed to pay the bills. The guilt I have over it is huge. Plus, to make the gas payment threw me off in making another important payment which was very frustrating for both of us. Even more guilt piled on.
TBG and I talked about it at length. Well, more of a lecture that ended up in a talk. He has a hard time punishing me in the first place, and then he feels a modicum of guilt because he knows how tough the money situation has been this last year. And he feels that he should have been more involved instead of letting me handle it all. Therein lies the problem, as I've done what I wanted for so long that he just stopped trying. He knows it. I know it. And it's one of the main reasons I asked for DD. But, his guilt makes it difficult to punish me over it. Well, last night I asked him to punish me. I told him he could take his time thinking it over (because I know his reluctance to punish) but that I needed him to do it because of how guilty I felt. He immediately sent me to the corner. I asked if he was joking because we were already in bed. Nope. Not joking. So, I stood in the corner for about 15 minutes while he lectured. And I hated it. I hate the corner. Can I say that again? I freaking hate the corner. It makes me feel like a five year old. But, I guess that's why it works! He hugged me tight and kissed me when I came back to bed. I thanked him. It only seemed right that I do so.
I still feel guilty...not as much as before but there's still some there. I truly feel that I need to be spanked over this. I don't know why I feel that way. Is there some disconnect in me that I feel myself reaching for this? You have no idea (or, maybe you do) how often I've asked myself why I feel this need. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I crave this type of connection? I can literally feel myself almost vibrate with need when I get anxious and overwhelmed. Almost like I need something to reconnect me with the here and now, to bring me back down and center me. But, TBG doesn't think he can spank me. I think he feels its what you do to a child, not a wife. I'm just not sure how to get him to understand this part of DD that I need. The only thing I can do is try to keep telling him, I guess, even though it's still hard for ME to talk about.
