Have you ever just....not known what to say?
Just...sat there in confusion, knowing that there's so much to say and yet not knowing how to say it because you don't know how it will be received, but you're pretty sure you're just going to be ignored?
This is me. Now. All day, as a matter of fact.
I need help. I need help with my submission and I also need help from my husband to keep me accountable. Right now neither is happening. I'm picking and choosing when I want to submit and how I want to do it. That's not good. It's not going to move us forward at all. I think I'm just at a "whatever" phase. Because "whatever" has always been my answer when it didn't like something and I'm pulling away.
Problem is, I want TTWD and I don't want to pull away. But God help me, I'm just not getting any help from my other half. I see a difference in me already and so does he. It's already helped our marriage. But I feel like I'm working on this by myself. I know he's focusing on other important aspects of our marriage. The last year of college was a tough one financially and he's taken the finances back over and is working on getting us back on track. This is a good thing, and what I / we want. I think he can only focus on one thing at a time and this is it.
I asked The Big Guy for help today. Told him I needed to figure out how to get back on track. One of my rules is that I go to bed no later than 11pm on week nights. Otherwise I have a tendency to stay up too late and then I don't get enough sleep. Which just isn't good for my health and I'm supposed to be working hard at that. I asked TBG if he could help me figure out how to get to bed on time. I know I was looking for a little HoHy-nish. His answer: I guess there just comes a time when you have to be able to hold yourself accountable.
I am not a freaking 6 year old. I know how to go to bed on time. I just always find a reason not to. It's something I really struggle with. Absurd, I know. But, there it is. And I was so pissed....and a little heartbroken at his answer. I'm just supposed to be able to do everything all by myself. Not need help. Just be perfect, I guess, like every other adult female out there. I'm not going to go into my childhood and the myriad of reasons that probably affect the reason I am this way. It just is. And I've held it together for so long. Well, okay - let's tell the truth here - I've been slowly becoming this chaotic mess for a long time. Don't get me wrong .... I'm an independent, capable mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. But I've been doing it all by myself for quite some time now. And by my own choosing. I just can't do it all by myself anymore, and frankly, I don't want to.
So, I keep thinking. Maybe if I really work on my submission he'll finally see it - what this whole DD/TTWD thing can be for us. Maybe if I actually act more submissive (like I want to) it will help him think of me that way. I don't want him to do everything for me. I'm not like that. But, I do want to feel cherished, protected, and loved. Yes, I think that's what I need to do.
To help me get into that all-around submissive mindset I've been thinking I need to start doing daily submissive exercises. But I can't think of what I can do! What would be helpful? Does anyone have any suggestions? If you don't want to leave them here you can always email me at redmaggiej@gmail.com
In the meantime I think I'll work on somehow holding myself accountable for my rules.
