Exercises needed for...well, the needy.

Have you ever just....not known what to say?

Just...sat there in confusion, knowing that there's so much to say and yet not knowing how to say it because you don't know how it will be received, but you're pretty sure you're just going to be ignored?

This is me. Now. All day, as a matter of fact. 

I need help. I need help with my submission and I also need help from my husband to keep me accountable. Right now neither is happening. I'm picking and choosing when I want to submit and how I want to do it. That's not good. It's not going to move us forward at all. I think I'm just at a "whatever" phase. Because "whatever" has always been my answer when it didn't like something and I'm pulling away. 

Problem is, I want TTWD and I don't want to pull away. But God help me, I'm just not getting any help from my other half. I see a difference in me already and so does he. It's already helped our marriage. But I feel like I'm working on this by myself. I know he's focusing on other important aspects of our marriage. The last year of college was a tough one financially and he's taken the finances back over and is working on getting us back on track. This is a good thing, and what I / we want. I think he can only focus on one thing at a time and this is it. 

I asked The Big Guy for help today. Told him I needed to figure out how to get back on track. One of my rules is that I go to bed no later than 11pm on week nights. Otherwise I have a tendency to stay up too late and then I don't get enough sleep. Which just isn't good for my health and I'm supposed to be working hard at that. I asked TBG if he could help me figure out how to get to bed on time. I know I was looking for a little HoHy-nish.  His answer: I guess there just comes a time when you have to be able to hold yourself accountable. 

I am not a freaking 6 year old. I know how to go to bed on time. I just always find a reason not to. It's something I really struggle with. Absurd, I know. But, there it is. And I was so pissed....and a little heartbroken at his answer. I'm just supposed to be able to do everything all by myself. Not need help. Just be perfect, I guess, like every other adult female out there. I'm not going to go into my childhood and the myriad of reasons that probably affect the reason I am this way. It just is. And I've held it together for so long. Well, okay - let's tell the truth here - I've been slowly becoming this chaotic mess for a long time. Don't get me wrong .... I'm an independent, capable mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. But I've been doing it all by myself for quite some time now. And by my own choosing. I just can't do it all by myself anymore, and frankly, I don't want to. 

So, I keep thinking. Maybe if I really work on my submission he'll finally see it - what this whole DD/TTWD thing can be for us. Maybe if I actually act more submissive (like I want to) it will help him think of me that way. I don't want him to do everything for me. I'm not like that. But, I do want to feel cherished, protected, and loved. Yes, I think that's what I need to do. 

To help me get into that all-around submissive mindset I've been thinking I need to start doing daily submissive exercises. But I can't think of what I can do! What would be helpful? Does anyone have any suggestions? If you don't want to leave them here you can always email me at redmaggiej@gmail.com 

In the meantime I think I'll work on somehow holding myself accountable for my rules. 

Checking in...with my Liebster Award!

This is waaaay harder than I thought it would be...

Submission. It's way harder than I thought it would be. 

Oh, I knew it would be difficult, don't get me wrong. I thought about the fact that I would have to curb my temper and my habit of lashing out when my feelings were hurt. I got that I would be accountable for my spending habits (and my reading addiction)....and how tough it would be to reign myself in.  I figured that it wouldn't be easy for me to hand the final decisions over to my husband when I was so used to having the final say all the time.

What I didn't see....what I didn't expect....was how difficult it would be to submit when I am not sure I'm going to get something out of DD.  I sound like my 12-year old son calling "no fair!"  You see, on those days or in those moments when I feel like DD (or us doing DD) is being ignored or that I'm never going to see the HoH I need, I get flippant.  I get....pissy, even if it's deep inside myself. When I feel there has been a rule broken I eventually let him know. I don't always say something right away because I'm waiting to see if he calls me on it. Not that I'm doing things to purposely be in trouble. But I usually realize when I've done something against the rules within 24 hours of the transgression.  I guess I'm waiting to see if he cares about this thing we're doing. If he's going to be able to come out of this shell he's in. 

Yesterday I realized that it's that time - when I'm feeling like I'm banging my head on a wall - that is when I need to really show give my submission to TBG.  That time when it's hardest. When I am unsure and thinking "it's not fair!"  So, instead of ignoring some of my rules I need to work hard at following them. How am I being submissive when I'm deciding what rules to follow and when? I know that I'm supposed to have consequences but what if I don't? What if they're not being enforced? Instead of just doing what I want, I guess that's the time I need to really buckle down and work hard at finding my submissive side. I don't know if that's going to ever get TBG to really get involved in this. I don't know if he'll ever actually fully step up into the HoH role or if I'm just spinning my wheels, going nowhere.  It hurts, that thought. It hurts to think that I could do this and never get anything out of it, other than a husband who just "expects" my submission and doesn't do his part of the equation. The part that I need. 

I'm  starting to really realize that this isn't just about me. It's also about him and his needs. It's about us. And I can't tell him that I want to do DD to make us better when I refuse to give him all of myself, even when it's hard to do it.  I can't pick and choose what I want to do just because I'm not sure of what the outcome will be. I have to give him everything. And that's scary because I've never given anybody all of me, especially the soft side I try to keep hidden so I don't get hurt. But I'm going to have to be brave and do this, hoping that TBG will see that I'm trying and that he will want to try in turn. It's going to be hard. Excruciating at times, I think. 

Time to cowgirl up. I'm trying to make my marriage better, stronger, more loving & intimate.  There's nothing more important than that.

Grandpa's always right

One of my favorite bloggers, Quiet Sara, had a blog a while back about how other women treated / talked about their husbands. It was all I could think about today as I was eating lunch at work. Some of the ladies were just tearing their husbands apart. These poor guys apparently can't do anything right! 

I was never really one to say bad stuff about The Big Guy, but I know there were times when I was in a bad mood that I may have said a disparaging remark or two. Nowadays, with submission on my mind and trying to keep my heart where it should be, I try to only say positive things. Everyone knows that I adore TBG.  I don't get into the "smash fest" with the other girls. Except today. 

Today I couldn't take it anymore. The girls were so snotty about their hubbies.  "He doesn't do this...he doesn't do that." Blah, blah, blah. I sat there thinking, was this me? Did I ever treat my husband like this to the other ladies? It was almost a shock. And, quite frankly, it really pissed me off.  I finally just said "you know, have you guys done anything for your hubbies lately?" You would have thought I grew a huge second nose on my face, the way they looked at me.  And then came the comments: "are you kidding me?", "I do everything and that man does nothing.", "oh and I'm sure your husband is perfect!"  Well, no, TBG is not perfect. But, he's pretty damn perfect for me. My response was a simple "my grandpa always said you catch more flies with honey and I've found the nicer I am to my hubby, the more he does for me. Maybe if you guys talked about what you needed from each other it would help." Again, with the looking at me like I had a growth on my face. 

And at the same time, inside of me, I thought who are you and what have you done with the old Maggie? It was a small revelation and a wonderful feeling of contentment filled me, knowing that I'm trying to make my marriage better and most importantly, making TBG feel happy, respected, and loved. Because when we are like this he does even more for me than I ask sometimes. He makes me feel safe, secure, and loved.  I guess Grandpa was right. 

Corner time sucks. But I guess I asked for it.

Back when The Big Guy started night school we determined I would take over a lot of things in the household so that he could focus on getting through school. One of those things included finances. It was going to be tough, we knew, because he would be working less hours and bringing home less money. I, unfortunately, have never been good at finances even before I met TBG. But I would try my best!  And I did, for a while, but I was never great at paying stuff on time. Other things always just came up it seemed. Things slowly started to slide....and when the poop hit the fan was right when we had our troubles two years ago. As I've said before, we got it straightened out (thankfully) but the paying of the bills was still lacking at times. 

This last year has been horrible with finances. In order to position himself to get a better job after graduation - plus to help him in his chosen field in general - TBG took a job paying WAY less money than we were used to. At first we were doing ok. But by the end of the year (especially after Christmas) we were just about broke. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, if you will. The income just didn't match what the output should be. Now that he has his new job there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish the tunnel were a little shorter!! But, in the meantime we are struggling mightily to make our payments. I usually pay who shouts the most. Well, the gas bill never shouted. And I forgot to pay it. I'm sure you can see where this is going....and boy, was TBG mad at me!! Rightfully so, as I'm the one who is supposed to pay the bills. The guilt I have over it is huge. Plus, to make the gas payment threw me off in making another important payment which was very frustrating for both of us. Even more guilt piled on. 

TBG and I talked about it at length. Well, more of a lecture that ended up in a talk. He has a hard time punishing me in the first place, and then he feels a modicum of guilt because he knows how tough the money situation has been this last year. And he feels that he should have been more involved instead of letting me handle it all. Therein lies the problem, as I've done what I wanted for so long that he just stopped trying. He knows it. I know it. And it's one of the main reasons I asked for DD.  But, his guilt makes it difficult to punish me over it. Well, last night I asked him to punish me. I told him he could take his time thinking it over (because I know his reluctance to punish) but that I needed him to do it because of how guilty I felt. He immediately sent me to the corner. I asked if he was joking because we were already in bed. Nope. Not joking. So, I stood in the corner for about 15 minutes while he lectured. And I hated it. I hate the corner. Can I say that again? I freaking hate the corner. It makes me feel like a five year old. But, I guess that's why it works! He hugged me tight and kissed me when I came back to bed. I thanked him. It only seemed right that I do so.

I still feel guilty...not as much as before but there's still some there. I truly feel that I need to be spanked over this. I don't know why I feel that way. Is there some disconnect in me that I feel myself reaching for this? You have no idea (or, maybe you do) how often I've asked myself why I feel this need. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I crave this type of connection? I can literally feel myself almost vibrate with need when I get anxious and overwhelmed. Almost like I need something to reconnect me with the here and now, to bring me back down and center me. But, TBG doesn't think he can spank me. I think he feels its what you do to a child, not a wife. I'm just not sure how to get him to understand this part of DD that I need. The only thing I can do is try to keep telling him, I guess, even though it's still hard for ME to talk about. 

We almost ended this before we really began it!

It's been a rough week or two.  When I originally started the blog I figured I would post at the very least once a week, maybe twice.  Well, that went out the door rather quickly!  Real life can just get in the way sometimes, can't it?  I'll try harder...promise!

Since the beginning of February, The Big Guy has been studying for a very important test.  When I say important, I mean Important....as in, his future job and our finances hinged on this test.  I am happy to say that he passed it with flying colors, by the way!!  However, because he was so stressed and the studying was more important than pretty much anything for over a month, I let DD fall on the back burner.  I knew he wouldn't be able to put any effort into it.  I told myself it wouldn't be a problem...keeping the rules we had written down and trying to stay in a submissive mindset.  Yeah....that's what I told myself.  

Well, it didn't take long for me to go against the rules - just a little bit, mind you!  Nothing too big.  But, after over a month of slowly falling back into my old patterns, I was starting to become a mess.  Maybe nothing that was noticeable but I could feel it inside me.  About 2 weeks after the test was done I thought I would bring it up to TBG but I wasn't sure how to do it.  I'm still quite shy about bringing DD up with him, even though I'm the one that asked for it.  It's hard for me to put myself out there and trust that I will be taken care of, that I won't be laughed at or made to feel inconsequential, or even worse - to feel that I'm just a bother. So, when I do bring up DD I have to really push myself to do it....and then sometimes it can come out all wrong: I just sound pushy, I think.  Well, the only way I could think of to talk about DD was to just come right out and tell him what I had done that had gone against the rules.  I didn't even tell him everything, just gave him an overview.  And then I waited....for something....an acknowledgement.....anything?  Nothing.  He just pretended I didn't say anything.  So, true to form, I started getting angry.  This was important to me!  I thought we were going to seriously try this!!  I've been dying inside for well over two weeks - can't you see that?!?  Well, no he couldn't, of course, but you know that's where my head goes.

So, I went to bed.  I wanted to be by myself because I was getting angry and frustrated and just....pissed.  The Big Guy followed me there, laying down, too.   Which, of course, just made me more angry.  He tried to cajole me out of being pissy, which fueled the fire for me.  And then I thought, "what's the biggest thing about DD that needs to happen?  Communication."  So, I decided to actually tell him I was angry with him instead of just bottling it up like I used to.  Well, my delivery could have been better.  I just blurted out that I was angry with him.  And he....became defensive and said something very hurtful to me.  I was beside myself.  For the next few days I could barely talk to him.  My mind was just whirling with accusations....see, this is what comes from trusting other people; I'm ending up back where we were two years ago and I just can't feel that way again; I need to just back away, shut down and shut him out.  Oh, it was a complete mind game, I tell you.  And I have such an active imagination that my sadness/insecurity/anger/frustration all just kept piling on top of each other. I didn't know what to do because I felt like I couldn't communicate at all.  

But TBG pulled me into a big hug a few days later and apologized, which was all it took.  We began to talk. He was worried...what if he didn't want to do DD anymore?  Would I be mad?  Would I shut him out like I had been doing all week?  Because he was very unsure about the lecturing and discipline.  It just feels awkward to him.  He didn't think he could do that part. I'm pretty sure my stomach dropped to my feet at that point.  I told him that of course we could stop it at any time, but that I wanted to actually TRY doing it before we stopped doing it.  I said that I felt we really needed to give this a chance, especially since we hadn't been practicing it at all for pretty much the last two months.  It's kind of hard to give something like DD a good effort and make a decision after just a month.  He agreed, but thought maybe we needed to revise the consequences for our rules.  

We still have to sit down and do that....it's hard to have a meaningful conversation when we don't always have time to see each other without the kids around.  I wish I knew how to help him feel more in tune with lecturing and discipline.  I wish he had friends he could talk to - other men - that would empathize with him, tell him their stories, give advice and support.  But, as we all know, this isn't something you just bring up to your friends.  DD isn't something that is really ever talked about outside of our precious blogland.  And I think he feels odd to just contact any husbands of my blogland friends.  I know this is something we figure out ourselves, yet I wish he would feel comfortable talking to others.  Did any other husbands feel this way, I wonder? 

Anyway, right now I'm just happy we're still slowly working on this.  I need it.  I believe our marriage needs it.  And I know (whether he thinks so or not) that TBG needs my submission and also needs his dominance.  I know he can get there...I just hope he will try and give it the time and patience it will most likely require.  And the same goes for me with my submission...I hope I can try harder and give it the time and patience I know it will require.  After all, if I'm going to talk the talk, I better walk the walk.  Right?  Right.

Let's get this party started....or, something like that.

So, I never expected to be doing this....blogging.  I mean, who would want to read my crazy, rambling thoughts?  I'm nobody special...just a regular Midwestern girl with a husband and 2 kids.  I don't do anything cool like surf 40 foot waves, snowboard at 3am in the morning, or collect stamps.  I just work, take care of my family, and act as a taxi for said kids.  You know what else I didn't expect?  To ask my husband of over 18 years to infuse our marriage with Domestic Discipline.  Yeah.  Never saw that one coming!

We've always had a good marriage, full of love and laughter along with the occasional bumps in the road.  We even communicated rather well.  Or, so I thought, up until one day a few years ago (when it felt like the world was falling on our shoulders) when we had a true heart-to-heart.  We talked about things I never thought would come up: unhappiness.....divorce.  Both of us had been silently angry at each other for a long time.  I think that we just kept it pushed down because on the whole we were happy.  And, frankly, it was easier to not rock the boat.  I was tired of how angry he seemed.  I felt under-appreciated for all I did every day.  I didn't feel that he really cared about me or wanted me anymore.  He, on the other hand, was tired of arguing with me about little things.  I had made him feel emasculated because I never listened - just did what I wanted.  So, he was pulling away.  The talk really helped us get it back together.  We were better after that.  But....nothing had really changed.  I still took care of everything and handled things how I wanted them handled.

Skip forward two years to the end of summer 2013.  Deep inside I'm still feeling like he doesn't care.  That my wants/needs mean little or nothing to him.  I love him, so very much, but there is always a little voice inside my head that says, "how much longer can you go on feeling this way and be happy?"  Somewhere in my mind the word "divorce" still lingered quietly.  And then, unexpectedly and tragically, my sister (and best friend in the whole world) passed away.  I was devastated.  I couldn't function.  How was I going to get thru this alone?  well, I wasn't alone.  The Big Guy stepped up.  His care for me and our family during those days was amazing.  It unlocked something within me.  It was like my eyes were opened to how much he really did love and care about me.  And more than that - that I could trust him to take care about me, which I never had before.  I saw him once more, finally, as a MAN, not just as I guy I love.

That's when it hit me.  If I wanted change I would have to create it.  If I wanted him to treat me different then I would have to treat him differently.  Right around that time I happened to download a Natasha Knight book that featured a little bit of DD.  I think I literally sat straight up, had bells going off in my head, and neon arrows pointing at the words.  Once again, my eyes were wide open.  I've known the type of man I needed all along.  I think I've even known I needed discipline all along.  And I remembered what The Big Guy (TBG) was like when I met him, before I figuratively cut his balls off.  He was that man.  I just had to let him be that man again.  And I had to learn to submit, which while hard, is also such an innate feeling that there are moments I yearn to do it.

So, here we are.  I asked for DD.  He said yes (albeit with some trepidation).  We've been trying since the New Year.  Consistency on both our parts is going to be the hardest.  As much as I feel the need to submit, it's still hard.  I'm used to doing it my way.  And TBG doesn't really feel comfortable with the lecturing/punishment part.  As of now, he won't spank.  I get corner time if I'm punished.  Honestly, I think I need the spanking.

I read lots of people's blogs out here.  I hope that while we're learning our way thru DD that I can create friendships and have people to talk to all this about.  I know I need help!  LOL.  I just think it would be great to share this lifestyle with others.  That way I don't feel alone.  In any case, if you stopped by - thanks!  Hope you come back.