We almost ended this before we really began it!

It's been a rough week or two.  When I originally started the blog I figured I would post at the very least once a week, maybe twice.  Well, that went out the door rather quickly!  Real life can just get in the way sometimes, can't it?  I'll try harder...promise!

Since the beginning of February, The Big Guy has been studying for a very important test.  When I say important, I mean Important....as in, his future job and our finances hinged on this test.  I am happy to say that he passed it with flying colors, by the way!!  However, because he was so stressed and the studying was more important than pretty much anything for over a month, I let DD fall on the back burner.  I knew he wouldn't be able to put any effort into it.  I told myself it wouldn't be a problem...keeping the rules we had written down and trying to stay in a submissive mindset.  Yeah....that's what I told myself.  

Well, it didn't take long for me to go against the rules - just a little bit, mind you!  Nothing too big.  But, after over a month of slowly falling back into my old patterns, I was starting to become a mess.  Maybe nothing that was noticeable but I could feel it inside me.  About 2 weeks after the test was done I thought I would bring it up to TBG but I wasn't sure how to do it.  I'm still quite shy about bringing DD up with him, even though I'm the one that asked for it.  It's hard for me to put myself out there and trust that I will be taken care of, that I won't be laughed at or made to feel inconsequential, or even worse - to feel that I'm just a bother. So, when I do bring up DD I have to really push myself to do it....and then sometimes it can come out all wrong: I just sound pushy, I think.  Well, the only way I could think of to talk about DD was to just come right out and tell him what I had done that had gone against the rules.  I didn't even tell him everything, just gave him an overview.  And then I waited....for something....an acknowledgement.....anything?  Nothing.  He just pretended I didn't say anything.  So, true to form, I started getting angry.  This was important to me!  I thought we were going to seriously try this!!  I've been dying inside for well over two weeks - can't you see that?!?  Well, no he couldn't, of course, but you know that's where my head goes.

So, I went to bed.  I wanted to be by myself because I was getting angry and frustrated and just....pissed.  The Big Guy followed me there, laying down, too.   Which, of course, just made me more angry.  He tried to cajole me out of being pissy, which fueled the fire for me.  And then I thought, "what's the biggest thing about DD that needs to happen?  Communication."  So, I decided to actually tell him I was angry with him instead of just bottling it up like I used to.  Well, my delivery could have been better.  I just blurted out that I was angry with him.  And he....became defensive and said something very hurtful to me.  I was beside myself.  For the next few days I could barely talk to him.  My mind was just whirling with accusations....see, this is what comes from trusting other people; I'm ending up back where we were two years ago and I just can't feel that way again; I need to just back away, shut down and shut him out.  Oh, it was a complete mind game, I tell you.  And I have such an active imagination that my sadness/insecurity/anger/frustration all just kept piling on top of each other. I didn't know what to do because I felt like I couldn't communicate at all.  

But TBG pulled me into a big hug a few days later and apologized, which was all it took.  We began to talk. He was worried...what if he didn't want to do DD anymore?  Would I be mad?  Would I shut him out like I had been doing all week?  Because he was very unsure about the lecturing and discipline.  It just feels awkward to him.  He didn't think he could do that part. I'm pretty sure my stomach dropped to my feet at that point.  I told him that of course we could stop it at any time, but that I wanted to actually TRY doing it before we stopped doing it.  I said that I felt we really needed to give this a chance, especially since we hadn't been practicing it at all for pretty much the last two months.  It's kind of hard to give something like DD a good effort and make a decision after just a month.  He agreed, but thought maybe we needed to revise the consequences for our rules.  

We still have to sit down and do that....it's hard to have a meaningful conversation when we don't always have time to see each other without the kids around.  I wish I knew how to help him feel more in tune with lecturing and discipline.  I wish he had friends he could talk to - other men - that would empathize with him, tell him their stories, give advice and support.  But, as we all know, this isn't something you just bring up to your friends.  DD isn't something that is really ever talked about outside of our precious blogland.  And I think he feels odd to just contact any husbands of my blogland friends.  I know this is something we figure out ourselves, yet I wish he would feel comfortable talking to others.  Did any other husbands feel this way, I wonder? 

Anyway, right now I'm just happy we're still slowly working on this.  I need it.  I believe our marriage needs it.  And I know (whether he thinks so or not) that TBG needs my submission and also needs his dominance.  I know he can get there...I just hope he will try and give it the time and patience it will most likely require.  And the same goes for me with my submission...I hope I can try harder and give it the time and patience I know it will require.  After all, if I'm going to talk the talk, I better walk the walk.  Right?  Right.

Let's get this party started....or, something like that.

So, I never expected to be doing this....blogging.  I mean, who would want to read my crazy, rambling thoughts?  I'm nobody special...just a regular Midwestern girl with a husband and 2 kids.  I don't do anything cool like surf 40 foot waves, snowboard at 3am in the morning, or collect stamps.  I just work, take care of my family, and act as a taxi for said kids.  You know what else I didn't expect?  To ask my husband of over 18 years to infuse our marriage with Domestic Discipline.  Yeah.  Never saw that one coming!

We've always had a good marriage, full of love and laughter along with the occasional bumps in the road.  We even communicated rather well.  Or, so I thought, up until one day a few years ago (when it felt like the world was falling on our shoulders) when we had a true heart-to-heart.  We talked about things I never thought would come up: unhappiness.....divorce.  Both of us had been silently angry at each other for a long time.  I think that we just kept it pushed down because on the whole we were happy.  And, frankly, it was easier to not rock the boat.  I was tired of how angry he seemed.  I felt under-appreciated for all I did every day.  I didn't feel that he really cared about me or wanted me anymore.  He, on the other hand, was tired of arguing with me about little things.  I had made him feel emasculated because I never listened - just did what I wanted.  So, he was pulling away.  The talk really helped us get it back together.  We were better after that.  But....nothing had really changed.  I still took care of everything and handled things how I wanted them handled.

Skip forward two years to the end of summer 2013.  Deep inside I'm still feeling like he doesn't care.  That my wants/needs mean little or nothing to him.  I love him, so very much, but there is always a little voice inside my head that says, "how much longer can you go on feeling this way and be happy?"  Somewhere in my mind the word "divorce" still lingered quietly.  And then, unexpectedly and tragically, my sister (and best friend in the whole world) passed away.  I was devastated.  I couldn't function.  How was I going to get thru this alone?  well, I wasn't alone.  The Big Guy stepped up.  His care for me and our family during those days was amazing.  It unlocked something within me.  It was like my eyes were opened to how much he really did love and care about me.  And more than that - that I could trust him to take care about me, which I never had before.  I saw him once more, finally, as a MAN, not just as I guy I love.

That's when it hit me.  If I wanted change I would have to create it.  If I wanted him to treat me different then I would have to treat him differently.  Right around that time I happened to download a Natasha Knight book that featured a little bit of DD.  I think I literally sat straight up, had bells going off in my head, and neon arrows pointing at the words.  Once again, my eyes were wide open.  I've known the type of man I needed all along.  I think I've even known I needed discipline all along.  And I remembered what The Big Guy (TBG) was like when I met him, before I figuratively cut his balls off.  He was that man.  I just had to let him be that man again.  And I had to learn to submit, which while hard, is also such an innate feeling that there are moments I yearn to do it.

So, here we are.  I asked for DD.  He said yes (albeit with some trepidation).  We've been trying since the New Year.  Consistency on both our parts is going to be the hardest.  As much as I feel the need to submit, it's still hard.  I'm used to doing it my way.  And TBG doesn't really feel comfortable with the lecturing/punishment part.  As of now, he won't spank.  I get corner time if I'm punished.  Honestly, I think I need the spanking.

I read lots of people's blogs out here.  I hope that while we're learning our way thru DD that I can create friendships and have people to talk to all this about.  I know I need help!  LOL.  I just think it would be great to share this lifestyle with others.  That way I don't feel alone.  In any case, if you stopped by - thanks!  Hope you come back.