Shocked and Awed

It happened. 

I'm still in a bit of a daze that it happened, but happen it did.

For some strange reason every time I picture a spanking it's either from "I Love Lucy" or from a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Not sure why LOL. 

Can you believe it?!? I barely can!

Friday morning, The Big Guy and I ended up being all alone in the house. The kids had already left for school and I had crawled back in bed before work for a little snuggling. TBG started getting a little amorous and next thing I know my butt is in the air and he's got my legs pinned. Well, apparently he took that moment to think, "hmmm...she's been asking for this and I said I would work on it, so, here goes!" Imagine my surprise when the man who refused to spank started spanking me! At first I was thinking, "ok he wants to try a fun spanking - I'm good with that." But then the sparks got harder...and he began to speak. 

People, he LECTURED me! I think my jaw almost dropped! And everything he was saying was spot on. He was PERFECT. I couldn't have asked for anything better for our first time. And I couldn't believe it was happening - finally!! I was shocked and awed, I tell you. But I immediately put my head down and accepted it. I knew it was what I had asked for and what I needed. It was what he needed me to do, I think, too. When he asked me a question I answered. I felt like answering with "yes, sir" but couldn't bring myself to do it as I was worried it would throw him off.  I didn't want to do that. 

The best part (other than finally having this happen)? He ended by putting his body on top of mine and asking if I knew how much he loved me. And I do. This is a man that will do this for me even though he's still unsure and may feel silly doing it. I'm telling you, he was perfect. Then came the loving. Yessiree. Lots of loving this weekend. Have I told you how much I love this man?

And now I have to keep the lines open. Keep talking about this. Tell him how much I loved it and him. I love when he gets his dominant side on and I want to show him that. My submissiveness comes so much easier to me when he is feeling dominant. I have to find a way to help build that. I'm sure it's easier said than done. And I'm sure we're still going to struggle. But at least it finally happened!

Thank God!!

Outside of his box

I don't always fit into a box. You could say I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole at some times. I don't like people trying to fit me into categories or anything. I am who I am: a complex, eclectic, loving, smart-assed wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. So, don't try and fit me into a mold. It just won't work. 

The Big Guy knows this. He does. But I think he realized it again this past week. Unfortunately, it took me yelling and crying and having a minor melt down to get him to understand it in a new way. A DD way. 

You see, I've been putting ttwd on a back burner as we couldn't even talk about it. I would get angry. He would get frustrated. I kept waiting...and waiting for TBG to have this surgery he has needed. This is something that we knew would help him physically and possibly emotionally.  I kept telling myself I knew change would come, but that I couldn't expect it right away. I kept telling myself that I just needed to bide my time, not push him. 

We were on a morning walk, talking about stuff we are looking forward to this summer. Somehow or another the subject came up about the books I read. And it can up in a derogatory way. If you don't know it yet, I read a lot. A LOT. So much so that I've gotten myself in trouble before (and am still grounded from buying books). Well, TBG basically said that I need to stop reading "those" books (DD or BDSM) because I was getting ideas of things he couldn't live up to. And that I needed to live in reality and not be like my sister. 

Now, as a background please know that my sister made a decision we didn't agree with.  She basically left her husband because he wasn't giving her what she needed. She ended up being more into bdsm, if you will, than he was. And that's fine! I certainly don't judge, especially about stuff like that. But before she passed away she ended up leaving her husband for another man. And that's not me. And TBG was equating me reading dd or bdsm stories with her doing the same. And then basically saying I needed to stop reading the books because it was giving me all kinds of ideas he couldn't meet. 

Well, I was incensed, let me tell you!  First of all, that's not what THIS (me wanting dd) is about at all. AT ALL.  I know life is different than the books and believe me, I'm good with that. I don't want a fantasy, I want a reality. And here's the thing: from reading these books I somehow found these blogs. And from reading these blogs I found out- finally, after so many years! - of who I am (submissive) and what I need to be a better person, wife, mother (boundaries; discipline). 

I told him how mad I was in no uncertain terms. I couldn't believe he was equating me with my sister. He was basically belittling me, thinking this was a phase even though I finally know myself. And I told him - I've stuck by you through everything...I've been behind you, a cheerleader, a helper, someone who lifts you up and tries to help you through anything. And I finally ask for one thing - ONE THING- that I know will make me a better person and our marriage stronger and you won't have anything to do with it because it is outside of your box. And I'm not fitting in to his precious box of how life should be. 

After that I walked away. I couldn't even speak anymore. I thought to myself "what am I going to do now? I shouldn't have yelled at him but I guess it doesn't even matter. Where do I/We go from here?"

Lo and behold he comes in the house a few minutes later. He pulls me into a hug and says, "You're right and I'm so sorry." I can't even tell you the shellshock feeling of joy, peace, and disbelief that co-mingled at that moment. He talked to me briefly (because I was getting ready for work) about how this is hard for him because he feels silly doing it - he is not sure what to do. And since he feels silly he stays away from it (he is not a silly man). 

It was an uplifting moment for me. To have him, for that second, possibly understand what this means to me. We haven't talked about it since as I have been processing it.  I'm almost afraid to bring it back up again lol. But at least I know he is open to it...he's just stuck on the how, I think. And I'm not sure how to get him there. But I will talk to him about all of this. I can't just let it go. It's too important. I've finally found the box I probably should be in.