We almost ended this before we really began it!

It's been a rough week or two.  When I originally started the blog I figured I would post at the very least once a week, maybe twice.  Well, that went out the door rather quickly!  Real life can just get in the way sometimes, can't it?  I'll try harder...promise!

Since the beginning of February, The Big Guy has been studying for a very important test.  When I say important, I mean Important....as in, his future job and our finances hinged on this test.  I am happy to say that he passed it with flying colors, by the way!!  However, because he was so stressed and the studying was more important than pretty much anything for over a month, I let DD fall on the back burner.  I knew he wouldn't be able to put any effort into it.  I told myself it wouldn't be a problem...keeping the rules we had written down and trying to stay in a submissive mindset.  Yeah....that's what I told myself.  

Well, it didn't take long for me to go against the rules - just a little bit, mind you!  Nothing too big.  But, after over a month of slowly falling back into my old patterns, I was starting to become a mess.  Maybe nothing that was noticeable but I could feel it inside me.  About 2 weeks after the test was done I thought I would bring it up to TBG but I wasn't sure how to do it.  I'm still quite shy about bringing DD up with him, even though I'm the one that asked for it.  It's hard for me to put myself out there and trust that I will be taken care of, that I won't be laughed at or made to feel inconsequential, or even worse - to feel that I'm just a bother. So, when I do bring up DD I have to really push myself to do it....and then sometimes it can come out all wrong: I just sound pushy, I think.  Well, the only way I could think of to talk about DD was to just come right out and tell him what I had done that had gone against the rules.  I didn't even tell him everything, just gave him an overview.  And then I waited....for something....an acknowledgement.....anything?  Nothing.  He just pretended I didn't say anything.  So, true to form, I started getting angry.  This was important to me!  I thought we were going to seriously try this!!  I've been dying inside for well over two weeks - can't you see that?!?  Well, no he couldn't, of course, but you know that's where my head goes.

So, I went to bed.  I wanted to be by myself because I was getting angry and frustrated and just....pissed.  The Big Guy followed me there, laying down, too.   Which, of course, just made me more angry.  He tried to cajole me out of being pissy, which fueled the fire for me.  And then I thought, "what's the biggest thing about DD that needs to happen?  Communication."  So, I decided to actually tell him I was angry with him instead of just bottling it up like I used to.  Well, my delivery could have been better.  I just blurted out that I was angry with him.  And he....became defensive and said something very hurtful to me.  I was beside myself.  For the next few days I could barely talk to him.  My mind was just whirling with accusations....see, this is what comes from trusting other people; I'm ending up back where we were two years ago and I just can't feel that way again; I need to just back away, shut down and shut him out.  Oh, it was a complete mind game, I tell you.  And I have such an active imagination that my sadness/insecurity/anger/frustration all just kept piling on top of each other. I didn't know what to do because I felt like I couldn't communicate at all.  

But TBG pulled me into a big hug a few days later and apologized, which was all it took.  We began to talk. He was worried...what if he didn't want to do DD anymore?  Would I be mad?  Would I shut him out like I had been doing all week?  Because he was very unsure about the lecturing and discipline.  It just feels awkward to him.  He didn't think he could do that part. I'm pretty sure my stomach dropped to my feet at that point.  I told him that of course we could stop it at any time, but that I wanted to actually TRY doing it before we stopped doing it.  I said that I felt we really needed to give this a chance, especially since we hadn't been practicing it at all for pretty much the last two months.  It's kind of hard to give something like DD a good effort and make a decision after just a month.  He agreed, but thought maybe we needed to revise the consequences for our rules.  

We still have to sit down and do that....it's hard to have a meaningful conversation when we don't always have time to see each other without the kids around.  I wish I knew how to help him feel more in tune with lecturing and discipline.  I wish he had friends he could talk to - other men - that would empathize with him, tell him their stories, give advice and support.  But, as we all know, this isn't something you just bring up to your friends.  DD isn't something that is really ever talked about outside of our precious blogland.  And I think he feels odd to just contact any husbands of my blogland friends.  I know this is something we figure out ourselves, yet I wish he would feel comfortable talking to others.  Did any other husbands feel this way, I wonder? 

Anyway, right now I'm just happy we're still slowly working on this.  I need it.  I believe our marriage needs it.  And I know (whether he thinks so or not) that TBG needs my submission and also needs his dominance.  I know he can get there...I just hope he will try and give it the time and patience it will most likely require.  And the same goes for me with my submission...I hope I can try harder and give it the time and patience I know it will require.  After all, if I'm going to talk the talk, I better walk the walk.  Right?  Right.