Corner time sucks. But I guess I asked for it.

Back when The Big Guy started night school we determined I would take over a lot of things in the household so that he could focus on getting through school. One of those things included finances. It was going to be tough, we knew, because he would be working less hours and bringing home less money. I, unfortunately, have never been good at finances even before I met TBG. But I would try my best!  And I did, for a while, but I was never great at paying stuff on time. Other things always just came up it seemed. Things slowly started to slide....and when the poop hit the fan was right when we had our troubles two years ago. As I've said before, we got it straightened out (thankfully) but the paying of the bills was still lacking at times. 

This last year has been horrible with finances. In order to position himself to get a better job after graduation - plus to help him in his chosen field in general - TBG took a job paying WAY less money than we were used to. At first we were doing ok. But by the end of the year (especially after Christmas) we were just about broke. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, if you will. The income just didn't match what the output should be. Now that he has his new job there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish the tunnel were a little shorter!! But, in the meantime we are struggling mightily to make our payments. I usually pay who shouts the most. Well, the gas bill never shouted. And I forgot to pay it. I'm sure you can see where this is going....and boy, was TBG mad at me!! Rightfully so, as I'm the one who is supposed to pay the bills. The guilt I have over it is huge. Plus, to make the gas payment threw me off in making another important payment which was very frustrating for both of us. Even more guilt piled on. 

TBG and I talked about it at length. Well, more of a lecture that ended up in a talk. He has a hard time punishing me in the first place, and then he feels a modicum of guilt because he knows how tough the money situation has been this last year. And he feels that he should have been more involved instead of letting me handle it all. Therein lies the problem, as I've done what I wanted for so long that he just stopped trying. He knows it. I know it. And it's one of the main reasons I asked for DD.  But, his guilt makes it difficult to punish me over it. Well, last night I asked him to punish me. I told him he could take his time thinking it over (because I know his reluctance to punish) but that I needed him to do it because of how guilty I felt. He immediately sent me to the corner. I asked if he was joking because we were already in bed. Nope. Not joking. So, I stood in the corner for about 15 minutes while he lectured. And I hated it. I hate the corner. Can I say that again? I freaking hate the corner. It makes me feel like a five year old. But, I guess that's why it works! He hugged me tight and kissed me when I came back to bed. I thanked him. It only seemed right that I do so.

I still feel guilty...not as much as before but there's still some there. I truly feel that I need to be spanked over this. I don't know why I feel that way. Is there some disconnect in me that I feel myself reaching for this? You have no idea (or, maybe you do) how often I've asked myself why I feel this need. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I crave this type of connection? I can literally feel myself almost vibrate with need when I get anxious and overwhelmed. Almost like I need something to reconnect me with the here and now, to bring me back down and center me. But, TBG doesn't think he can spank me. I think he feels its what you do to a child, not a wife. I'm just not sure how to get him to understand this part of DD that I need. The only thing I can do is try to keep telling him, I guess, even though it's still hard for ME to talk about.