This is waaaay harder than I thought it would be...

Submission. It's way harder than I thought it would be. 

Oh, I knew it would be difficult, don't get me wrong. I thought about the fact that I would have to curb my temper and my habit of lashing out when my feelings were hurt. I got that I would be accountable for my spending habits (and my reading addiction)....and how tough it would be to reign myself in.  I figured that it wouldn't be easy for me to hand the final decisions over to my husband when I was so used to having the final say all the time.

What I didn't see....what I didn't expect....was how difficult it would be to submit when I am not sure I'm going to get something out of DD.  I sound like my 12-year old son calling "no fair!"  You see, on those days or in those moments when I feel like DD (or us doing DD) is being ignored or that I'm never going to see the HoH I need, I get flippant.  I get....pissy, even if it's deep inside myself. When I feel there has been a rule broken I eventually let him know. I don't always say something right away because I'm waiting to see if he calls me on it. Not that I'm doing things to purposely be in trouble. But I usually realize when I've done something against the rules within 24 hours of the transgression.  I guess I'm waiting to see if he cares about this thing we're doing. If he's going to be able to come out of this shell he's in. 

Yesterday I realized that it's that time - when I'm feeling like I'm banging my head on a wall - that is when I need to really show give my submission to TBG.  That time when it's hardest. When I am unsure and thinking "it's not fair!"  So, instead of ignoring some of my rules I need to work hard at following them. How am I being submissive when I'm deciding what rules to follow and when? I know that I'm supposed to have consequences but what if I don't? What if they're not being enforced? Instead of just doing what I want, I guess that's the time I need to really buckle down and work hard at finding my submissive side. I don't know if that's going to ever get TBG to really get involved in this. I don't know if he'll ever actually fully step up into the HoH role or if I'm just spinning my wheels, going nowhere.  It hurts, that thought. It hurts to think that I could do this and never get anything out of it, other than a husband who just "expects" my submission and doesn't do his part of the equation. The part that I need. 

I'm  starting to really realize that this isn't just about me. It's also about him and his needs. It's about us. And I can't tell him that I want to do DD to make us better when I refuse to give him all of myself, even when it's hard to do it.  I can't pick and choose what I want to do just because I'm not sure of what the outcome will be. I have to give him everything. And that's scary because I've never given anybody all of me, especially the soft side I try to keep hidden so I don't get hurt. But I'm going to have to be brave and do this, hoping that TBG will see that I'm trying and that he will want to try in turn. It's going to be hard. Excruciating at times, I think. 

Time to cowgirl up. I'm trying to make my marriage better, stronger, more loving & intimate.  There's nothing more important than that.