It's been a year since I asked for this dynamic in our relationship. A year since it was implemented. I say implemented lightly because I'm not sure it was ever truly taken seriously by myself or my husband. There have been moments it has worked for us and others where it fell flat. I think as the year has gone on we've once again gone back to our corners to lick our wounds. Both of us have had our own issues to tackle this year. TBG has become withdrawn very frequently and is angry with himself for weight gain. It ends up affecting all of us in the house. And he knows it. He hates it, too, but it's a vicious cycle and he circles the drain of depression.
For my part, this year brought some health problems which I've finally come to realize were spurred on by my own depression. Have you ever not realized you were depressed until months later you look back and say, "Oh! Well, that makes sense now!" I realized some time in October that I had been in a serious depression for the most part of 2014 due to my sister's death. I never realized it - I just kept plugging away at daily life knowing that I had to put one foot in front of the other. Life went on, so I had to. You still try to smile and laugh and engage your children & husband...but deep down you're a complete mess that is nearly devoid of emotion because you have TOO MUCH emotion to handle.
Does that make sense?
In any case, it ended up stressing me out and causing many migraines and a couple of scary moments. It almost seems that I was waiting for the one year anniversary of her death. Like if I could just make it past that, I could let go a little more. And, oddly enough, it did help. I feel like I'm slowly getting it back together. Which is a good thing.
So, back to TTWD. It's been on and off. Mostly off. But there are moments where I can tell he tries and so I do my best to submit at that moment. Unfortunately, that's just about the only time I seem to submit. Like I said earlier - I've been in my own corner licking my wounds. So, I've fallen back into some of my "old ways." Spending too much money before bills can get paid, not asking prior to buying Kindle books (I'm an addict! LOL), not doing what he asks, etc. Bad. Maggie. Good God, I need some structure and consequences like you wouldn't believe. And I try - I really do - but it's like this little red devil is on my shoulder sweetly whispering in my ear and I just follow along, skipping happily down Bad Girl Lane with only a slight warning bell jangling in my head. I do so well.....and then I lapse in judgement. I don't get it. But seriously, if anyone needed DD it would be me! UGH!! I frustrate myself. And then I stand there when he's upset with me and most times I feel like hanging my head and watching my toe draw invisible lines on the floor, knowing anything I say will not help my situation. Because I was wrong.
I'm going to keep plugging away at TTWD, though. 2015 will be the year of submission for me. I'm feeling much better and my main concern is to get my health back in shape. For me, that includes a healthy mind which definitely includes submission. I need it. I want it. It makes me feel....like who I always wanted to be.
And I'm going to kick this blog back up! With the depression it got hard to even come online and read my favorite bloggers, let alone blog myself. So, the DD blog hiatus is over. I'm pulling my big girl panties up (and yes, they're quite pretty) and doing this thing. My life, my story, is no less than anyone else's, even if I am envious of so many other's relationships in this blog land. I just have to remember that others struggled in the beginning. Nobody started this journey simply and easily. My life is not a DD novel (much as I sometimes wish, ha ha!!) but it can be - and will be - even more fulfilling because it's MY life. We just have to put a lot of work in to get it there. And I'm hoping as I work on my submission and am actually doing what he needs me to do (because I've been a tad dismissive about a few things he's asked for help with) that it will move him to work on TTWD too.
Wish me luck.
Oh, and I hope everyone out there in blog land had a fabulous and meaningful holiday season! XOXO
Maggie
Does that make sense?
In any case, it ended up stressing me out and causing many migraines and a couple of scary moments. It almost seems that I was waiting for the one year anniversary of her death. Like if I could just make it past that, I could let go a little more. And, oddly enough, it did help. I feel like I'm slowly getting it back together. Which is a good thing.
So, back to TTWD. It's been on and off. Mostly off. But there are moments where I can tell he tries and so I do my best to submit at that moment. Unfortunately, that's just about the only time I seem to submit. Like I said earlier - I've been in my own corner licking my wounds. So, I've fallen back into some of my "old ways." Spending too much money before bills can get paid, not asking prior to buying Kindle books (I'm an addict! LOL), not doing what he asks, etc. Bad. Maggie. Good God, I need some structure and consequences like you wouldn't believe. And I try - I really do - but it's like this little red devil is on my shoulder sweetly whispering in my ear and I just follow along, skipping happily down Bad Girl Lane with only a slight warning bell jangling in my head. I do so well.....and then I lapse in judgement. I don't get it. But seriously, if anyone needed DD it would be me! UGH!! I frustrate myself. And then I stand there when he's upset with me and most times I feel like hanging my head and watching my toe draw invisible lines on the floor, knowing anything I say will not help my situation. Because I was wrong.
I'm going to keep plugging away at TTWD, though. 2015 will be the year of submission for me. I'm feeling much better and my main concern is to get my health back in shape. For me, that includes a healthy mind which definitely includes submission. I need it. I want it. It makes me feel....like who I always wanted to be.
And I'm going to kick this blog back up! With the depression it got hard to even come online and read my favorite bloggers, let alone blog myself. So, the DD blog hiatus is over. I'm pulling my big girl panties up (and yes, they're quite pretty) and doing this thing. My life, my story, is no less than anyone else's, even if I am envious of so many other's relationships in this blog land. I just have to remember that others struggled in the beginning. Nobody started this journey simply and easily. My life is not a DD novel (much as I sometimes wish, ha ha!!) but it can be - and will be - even more fulfilling because it's MY life. We just have to put a lot of work in to get it there. And I'm hoping as I work on my submission and am actually doing what he needs me to do (because I've been a tad dismissive about a few things he's asked for help with) that it will move him to work on TTWD too.
Wish me luck.
Oh, and I hope everyone out there in blog land had a fabulous and meaningful holiday season! XOXO
Maggie
Welcome back, Maggie
ReplyDeleteI have missed you. Glad you are here.
Meredith
Thanks Mere! I have missed you, too!
DeleteMaggie I have been thinking of you all day. I wasn't sure if I was actually going to write you a comment today, as we have hit, or rather *I* have hit a rough patch as of late. There are many, many reasons for this, very few which have to do with Barney. I then thought about it and decided this is probably the exact type of comment you need.
ReplyDeleteToday I was punished for an emotional outburst I had on Friday that had us not only spiral but auger us deep, down into the earth! The good news about the outburst is it allowed me to see what what clouding my head and my heart. I still suppress so much at times. I don't care for conflict. Nor do I like to open myself up at times. My spanking, by the sounds of it from many I read, was harsh, yet I really felt nothing. I was prepared to be remorseful, however Barney's words focused on me injuring myself the other day ( ironic as he was causing injury to me TODAY LOL) and I was not moved. Later in the day I was expected to submit to something I normally would have balked at, as emotionally I felt disconnected. HOWEVER I promised Barney, I would do whatever he wanted, ( he pledged that he would act without worrying for a month and I promised I would comply). You know it wasn't easy, and I will be honest, a few tears were shed in silence. After about 30 minutes though, I could see he was different, and I felt different.
My point is sometimes they need to be the change, sometimes WE need to be the change, but regardless there needs to be change. Today I don't even know if I took that little leap of faith I always talk about, or if I just kept my pledge, but in the long run I softened. Be brave Maggie. Be the change. Challenge yourself in smaller steps. This week , this day...I will not, or I will.... Bit by bit, be the change, accept the change. And when you feel you can't, write! We'll kick you back to where you need to go! LOL
Happy to hear your voice again Maggie
love
willie
Willie, thanks for your insight! And so sorry about your poor bottom, LOL. I'm very glad you at least softened. I know that's what I need to do sometimes. I'm so used to being hard and handling everything myself, not sharing my emotions unless it's an outburst of anger. Not a good way to deal! Anyway, thanks so much commenting.
ReplyDeleteI made a post but I'm worried you didn't get it...I'll check back. I logged in and commented but then it disappeared after I hit publish.
ReplyDeleteHang in there though!
Hi Maryanne! I HATE when that happens. I can't tell you how many times I've commented on someone's post and after I hit publish it's gone. Grrrr! Thanks for the comment though!
DeleteJust found your blog Maggie
ReplyDeletelove what you said about the submission...I feel the same way
looking forward to reading you
X
Hi Parvelus, thanks so much for stopping by and reading! I really appreciate it!!
Delete