The Big Guy knows this. He does. But I think he realized it again this past week. Unfortunately, it took me yelling and crying and having a minor melt down to get him to understand it in a new way. A DD way.
You see, I've been putting ttwd on a back burner as we couldn't even talk about it. I would get angry. He would get frustrated. I kept waiting...and waiting for TBG to have this surgery he has needed. This is something that we knew would help him physically and possibly emotionally. I kept telling myself I knew change would come, but that I couldn't expect it right away. I kept telling myself that I just needed to bide my time, not push him.
We were on a morning walk, talking about stuff we are looking forward to this summer. Somehow or another the subject came up about the books I read. And it can up in a derogatory way. If you don't know it yet, I read a lot. A LOT. So much so that I've gotten myself in trouble before (and am still grounded from buying books). Well, TBG basically said that I need to stop reading "those" books (DD or BDSM) because I was getting ideas of things he couldn't live up to. And that I needed to live in reality and not be like my sister.
Now, as a background please know that my sister made a decision we didn't agree with. She basically left her husband because he wasn't giving her what she needed. She ended up being more into bdsm, if you will, than he was. And that's fine! I certainly don't judge, especially about stuff like that. But before she passed away she ended up leaving her husband for another man. And that's not me. And TBG was equating me reading dd or bdsm stories with her doing the same. And then basically saying I needed to stop reading the books because it was giving me all kinds of ideas he couldn't meet.
Well, I was incensed, let me tell you! First of all, that's not what THIS (me wanting dd) is about at all. AT ALL. I know life is different than the books and believe me, I'm good with that. I don't want a fantasy, I want a reality. And here's the thing: from reading these books I somehow found these blogs. And from reading these blogs I found out- finally, after so many years! - of who I am (submissive) and what I need to be a better person, wife, mother (boundaries; discipline).
I told him how mad I was in no uncertain terms. I couldn't believe he was equating me with my sister. He was basically belittling me, thinking this was a phase even though I finally know myself. And I told him - I've stuck by you through everything...I've been behind you, a cheerleader, a helper, someone who lifts you up and tries to help you through anything. And I finally ask for one thing - ONE THING- that I know will make me a better person and our marriage stronger and you won't have anything to do with it because it is outside of your box. And I'm not fitting in to his precious box of how life should be.
After that I walked away. I couldn't even speak anymore. I thought to myself "what am I going to do now? I shouldn't have yelled at him but I guess it doesn't even matter. Where do I/We go from here?"
Lo and behold he comes in the house a few minutes later. He pulls me into a hug and says, "You're right and I'm so sorry." I can't even tell you the shellshock feeling of joy, peace, and disbelief that co-mingled at that moment. He talked to me briefly (because I was getting ready for work) about how this is hard for him because he feels silly doing it - he is not sure what to do. And since he feels silly he stays away from it (he is not a silly man).
It was an uplifting moment for me. To have him, for that second, possibly understand what this means to me. We haven't talked about it since as I have been processing it. I'm almost afraid to bring it back up again lol. But at least I know he is open to it...he's just stuck on the how, I think. And I'm not sure how to get him there. But I will talk to him about all of this. I can't just let it go. It's too important. I've finally found the box I probably should be in.
Oh Maggie, I think this meltdown really was a good thing because at least you both have been honest with each other. I have my fingers crossed that you can now get to a place you are both comfortable with. Don't rush things, just keep talking , good luck
ReplyDeletelove Jan,xx
Hi Jan, Yes I was definitely honest! Lol. But you're right It was what we needed. It's so hard for me to talk about it with him, I get all clammed up. I don't know why its difficult as I asked for this! Things are getting better though!
DeleteMaggie,
ReplyDeleteI love that this happened. I can feel how this needed to happen for him to hear you. He did just that. Keep that conversation going. Don't let it stop. Ask him for an appointment to keep the talk going.
Meredith
Hi Mere, thanks for all your help and being my behind-the-scenes cheerleader for the last year and a half! I promise TBG and I will keep the lines of communication open!
DeleteMaggie-
ReplyDeleteGosh. First of all, it is great that he could finally say what he did. For him that's a big step. Sometimes, I surely wish there was a husband who wrote about how it feels to take on this new role. I think that the spanking feels artificial and silly to a man who does not come by this naturally. Almost like asking a man who cannot dance to walk out onto the dance floor by himself. He would be afraid of making a fool of himself, even though you would not see him that way.
I agree with Meredith and Jan. Keep the verbal exchange going. Early on, I read to Sam quite a bit. I wanted him to know how it felt to have this need, and that I really believed that he was the only one who could fulfill me. I would find an article and read to him for just 3 or 4 minutes. Then I would explain how this applied to me. Soon he started to join in by making a comment or two. It was a slow process. Just keep telling him how happy it makes you just to be able to talk with him frankly.
I will say little ttwd prayers for you.
Ella
Ella, your little ttwd prayers worked, I believe, so thanks! Lol.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be awesome for a brand new HoH to write about his feelings? I know some of the guys write stuff but usually they've been in the lifestyle a while. I always go back to Clint's writings from LDD I feel his words help ME a lot with trying to get through to TBG. It's got to be tough feeling silly when you're not a silly guy, plus being afraid you'll hurt your spouse both physically and emotionally. Not to mention you're right - he wouldn't want to feel like a fool either.
I like how you read to Sam. Maybe I should try that. Right now I text him links to articles I feel are good and that have meaning. Perhaps if I read to him this wouldn't feel so "separate" for lack of a better word. I'm never sure if he reads what I send him. Plus he's not a big reader. Jeez! What have I been thinking?!? Lol